Bowling and Blankets

This weekend Royal bowled in a charity event for Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Wichita. He actually didn’t do any of the fundraising for the event, someone just couldn’t bowl at the last minute, so Royal stepped in for them. And thanks to it being a kids event, Jayden got to throw some balls down the alley too! Sorry, but I didn’t grab my camera, so I have no pictures for you. :)

But here are some other pictures I took today while trying to get Jayden to cooperate so I could take pictures of the blankets I knit up for kiddos - so I could post it on KnitWits. Jayden has grown quite fond of his blanket and pretty much had a cow when I took it off his bed and refused to let the blanket out of his site for fear I might wash it or something.

Little miss Willow



Jayden - not really wanting anything to do with getting his picture taken. He just wanted to put his blanket back on his bed.



Hello? Are you guys there? Will you at least look at me????



Sheesh, thanks!



I guess one chance was all I was gonna get.



At least Willow can’t throw a blanket over her head.



Jayden told me he was sleeping. What a happy sleeper. :)

Changes

As April inches along, getting closer and closer to my brother’s Heaven-iversary, the thoughts of 2 years ago creep into my mind more and more during the day. Easter is coming up fast, and Easter has become one of my least favorite Holidays, not because of what it is celebrating - thank God for what we get to celebrate, but because of all the things that have happened around Easter. 2 years ago on Easter, we were sad as a family because it was the 1 year anniversary of my Papa dying. We were sad because it was the last family gathering we were going to have for a long time. We were sad because we were saying good-bye to Kaylee and her family who were moving to Phoenix. Ahhh…hindsight is 20/20. What I didn’t know was God was giving us one last opportunity to get together and love on each other because 6 days later God was going to take Willie so He could love on him a little more in person Himself. I found out a week later that I had been saying goodbye to the wrong person, and that I no longer felt like Phoenix was too far away for one of my siblings to live.

I am a non-breather by choice, well really involuntarily, by choice until I figure out how to use a different coping mechanism. I have learned that people who don’t breath, don’t feel. It works out fantastically when I feel like I need to numb myself up, not that it’s a conscious thing, my body just does it. I find I am short of breath all the time and a bit short on patience and quick to be angry. All those pent up feelings have a way of leaking out as anger and now I feel bad for the people around me. I really need to figure out how to deal with things… :)

Thursday nights I find I miss my brother more and more. Thursday evenings I go to a class called Restore the Core, a pilates/yoga/ab class mix that focuses on strengthening the poor part of my body that got most stretched out while I was pregnant, but also focuses a lot on breathing. Lots and lots of deep breaths and breathing. Lame. If I would of known I was paying to have an hour of breathing, I may have rethought it. I know what me breathing will do to my fantastic coping. Needless to say, all the breathing gives my body enough oxygen to release some of pent up feelings from the past 2 years. And while I leave the class feeling quite relaxed - crazy what breathing well will do for you! - I find myself much more sad and dwelling on everything I have lost on this earth. And then I get so annoyed because I’m sure there have probably been far more blessings good things for me the past 2 years, but of course the things that stick in my head are the things that have gone wrong. Time to figure out how to change what I remember most.

Last night was the series finale of ER. Dear little ER. I have watched that show since the very very beginning and for a good 10 years I never missed an episode - talk about obsessed. Royal came along and I ended up missing some episodes to hang out with him - should of known then that it was love. :) But still, ER has been a constant in my life for what seems like forever, since I was 16, Thursday nights 10:00 (well 9:00 here in K-land) you could find me with some knitting (well knitting for only the last 9 years or so) in front of the TV. And thanks to all my stupid breathing I’d been doing earlier in the evening, my brother was on the forefront of my mind. And I went to bed sad and depressed because all I could think about was what life was like for me when I was 16. So much easier. So much happier. Kaylee and I shared a room (we didn’t live across a freaking country from each other), we picked Willie up everyday at the middle school when school was out, and I always made him sit in the back, because Kaylee was always driving, and he used to get so mad about. Willie was Willie, but was becoming more bearable and less annoying. He knew he was going to be a freshman the next year and I was going to be a senior. Time to start kissin’ up so he could use my friends to be cool. When Willie and I were in high school together, that was when I felt like we really started to become closer. He’d hang out with me and my friends in the parking lot after school, sitting on the back of the aqua colored Duster that I got to drive. I even think there might be a picture of that in the year book…I’m gonna have to see if I can find that…where in the world are my year books??? Probably at the lake house in Washington, or in storage somewhere.

Anyway, I’m rambling now…must be all the extra oxygen floating through my blood stream. Time to cut off the air, already! All I’m saying is that ER being over FOREVER, is just one more thing that makes me think about all the changes that have happened for me over the past few years. Some changes temporary, some changes permanent, some changes still changing. Having babies, quitting jobs, people moving, us moving, losing family members, losing relationships, losing friendships, making new friends, trying to restore lost relationships, trying to figure out who the heck I want to be and what is important to me, trying to figure out how not to live my life trying to make everybody happy. Some people don’t freaking want to be happy, and it’s not on me to fix that. So many things up the air, so many things different. At least God is constant. God is the same now as He was before my brother died. God is the same in Kansas as He was in Washington. God is the same now as He was before I put that tattoo on my arm. My tattoo. I love my tattoo. It is a constant reminder that I have changed too.

From the Storm

I finally figured out how to shrink some of the pictures I took during storm on my camera, since Royal’s work computer has hardley any programs on it and nothing that I could use to make a smaller sized file. Don’t want you guys getting all mad at my blog because it’s all bogged down trying to load pictures…that would NOT be good. :) (sorry Jord, I forgot the trick you told me on how to take pictures of snow so it turns out white instead of grey. I’m gonna have to start writing down all the tips you give me)

Jayden and I braved the blizzard because he just couldn’t stand to be inside watching the snow anymore. He just had to get out there so he could throw snowballs at me. He told me he was trying to give me a bruise when he hit me…awesome.





We had solid ice at our house for awhile, nothing like 24 hours of freezing rain before the snow to give everything a nice coating. See the little imprint? That was me trying to determine how much was snow and how much was ice. I’m gonna go with mostly ice.





This was one of my favs. Even the little blades of grass got coated with ice. It was like little icicles popping up from the ground. Normally, when I think of icicles, I picture them hanging down. Not here though! Everything’s backwards in Kansas.



Here is our frozen crab apple tree. We weren’t sure it was gonna make it, it looked like it was about to blow over. But thanks to the little supports you have to put around new trees here until their root systems are strong enough, it managed to stay upright!


But boy, was it frozen. Poor little guy, just wanted to blossom.



Here is one of our hyacinth that bloomed. Now it just looks like a frozen bunch of grapes. Well, actually, NOW, its thawed out and is pretty much turning brown and dying. Who knew that even the plants didn’t expect the freak snow storm. Although, I watched the news last night and there might be more snow in our forecast. Will I ever be able to plant my strawberries????

I Just Might be a PC

Computers….stupid computers. You’d think I’d love them since I have a degree in Computer Science, but no, I don’t. Well really I do, but right now I don’t because mine is broken, that’s right, broken, won’t even turn on….

I gave in, I was weak, I just wanted to be cool like all the other hip people around. Royal and I needed a new computer pretty bad, he was going to be starting school, our old one was running S.L.O.W. and I pretty much wanted to throw it out a window most of the time. But it was running. Unlike the one we now own that we bought. So, less than a year ago, 10 months to be exact, I thought I was fed up with PC’s and Windows and all the virus’ and spyware and such, so Royal and I talked it over and I managed to convince him we should get a Mac. Everyone kept telling me they are so much better, so much easier, they just don’t have the problems that PCs do. Big fat liars. I needed this Mac to be easy for poor Royal’s sake. He really hates computers or technology for that matter, and switching operating systems, and programs, and shortcut keys on him was not going to be easy and I was going to have to be the one to listen to the griping. But we did it anyway. And our little Mac has been giving me problems since the get go. It’s favorite problem is to freeze up and give me Apple’s version of Window’s blue screen of death. Yes, Apple’s version is much more user friendly, it lets you know what is going on. It grey’s over your screen and then has a message in 4 different languages that tells you you need to restart your computer. Not like I hadn’t already figured that out. Sometimes the computer wouldn’t even turn on, it would just beep really loud over and over until you shut it off again. I looked over the error report it gave me when it finally would turn back on and the first word in the report - “panic”. I kid you not. I should of really paid more attention to the first word and started panicking. I should of started frantically backing up my files. But no, I was deceived by all the lies that go with Macs. I thought it would stay alive forever, so I just put off my file back up because well it’s boring and I don’t like doing it that much and well my PC never died to the point of me panicking about my files being locked inside a big piece of junk that won’t turn on. Saturday, when I tried to turn on our lovely little Mac, all I got over and over and over was that horrible beeping telling me that it was panicking and couldn’t figure out what to do and wasn’t going to turn on so I might as well just shut it off and start over. If it ever got past the inital point where it would beep, it would just give me the “grey screen of death” with the friendly message telling me to restart. I can’t even get the thing to boot up in safe mode, it just freezes and wants to restart. Stupid computer. So all my precious files, at least all the files that are on there from the last time I backed them all up, are frozen inside my white little piece of junk with an apple on the cover. All I ever wanted was to be cool and fit in. I might as well be in highschool again, eating lunch in the bathroom, because I didn’t have any friends to sit with. (not even my sister thought I was cool enough to let me sit with her…cruel I know…God will punish her for it later…) That’s right I was just as big of a loser then as I am now, but at least now I’ve accepted it and am fine with it, and I’ve manage to find other people who are fine with my loserness and will let me eat lunch with them…(thanks Royal).

So, what you ask, am I writing this post on? Royal was nice enough to leave his laptop from work here for me, so I could stay connected, because we all know I would go through serious withdrawls if I was cut off from the internet. And what is Royal’s laptop? An older than dirt Dell, running Windows XP, than takes 5 minutes to open a program, but at least it turns on and opens it, and the comma key doesn’t really work, I have to hit it really hard and even then most the time I have to back up and try it again, and the battery can’t hold a charge for more than 5 minutes. But the freaking thing turns on and that’s what’s really important.

So, screw all you happy macky apple people out there. I just might be a PC. (Death to Apple) Although I still do love my iPod.

Waitin' On the Blizzard

After we had a few fantastic weeks of 70 and 80 degree weather, us here in Kansas are getting ready for a cold snap and a freaking blizzard. Good thing I never transplanted my strawberries into our garden box or I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t of survived the storm that is coming. Starting tonight, Wichita is suppose to get around 10 inches of snow in blizzard conditions. We’ve had hail and freezing rain the past couple of hours and the road in front of our house look pretty icy, hopefully Royal can get home alright after work. Here’s a newly frozen window in our house.



So, while we’re waiting on the storm…..
I finally decided to get over my OCD about play doh colors getting all mixed together. I have a 5 year stash of play doh in the pantry thanks to Christmas, so really if I want to use a specific color, chances are there’s an unopened can of it somewhere. And really, whose the play doh for? If Jayden wants to smoosh it all together, than fine with me! So, Jayden and I made this tie-dye looking road with a tree, turtle, a duck eating a snake (which I think it looks like the snake is eating the duck, but whatever….), and some worms.



And then of course it isn’t a storm without a bunch of cooking going on. Royal’s gonna love all the dishes I’ve got piled up for him and I’m probably not even done yet…he he he. Plus the oven helps heat up the house, so it’s like killing 2 birds with 1 stone. Food is cooking in the crock pot, I’ve got all the stuff out to make some beer bread, I’ll probably make some breakfast egg muffins incase the power goes out tonight, and Jayden and I just finished making a chocolate pie!





And just to keep my distant family happy, here’s a bunch of pictures of the kidlettes.



Royal? Is that you? Oh no, it’s just Jayden…even Willow looks a little scared.

Just Like Dad

Jayden hurt his knee while climbing in the car today. When we got home, he decided he needed dad’s “bandaid” to make it feel better and then he propped it up on a pillow.

My New Ride

I have been wanting a road bike for over 5 years now, and each time I finally decided to go get one, something else would come up and I just couldn’t justify spending that money on something I wanted, not really needed. Back in 2003 I did a triathlon up in Seattle and I just rode the bike portion on my mountain bike. I didn’t know it would make such a difference. There I was pedaling my legs off, going as fast as I could, and these people on road bikes just kept going right on past me like they weren’t even trying. Very discouraging for my competitive self. So it was then I started looking at getting a road bike, because I figured I could kick some royal butt if I could ride faster. I can do the run no problem. My swim portion is just screwed because I am just not a very efficient swimmer. I asked Jordan to give me lessons since he was on the swim team and all, but after he saw me swimming he was laughing so hard he could hardly talk, so I thought maybe I could do duathlons or something, but if I could get a fast bike I could totally beat more people. :) However, I never got one. Each year when I got my bonus from work, that was what I was going to spend it on. But it just turned out each year that we needed the money for something else. Royal was switching jobs, or we were buying a house, or having a kid, or I was quitting my job, or we were paying off all our debt, or whatever. Royal is not a frivolous buyer of anything and I did already have my mountain bike, so he never really saw any reason to fork over that kind of cash for another bike.

Then we moved to Wichita and Royal made a very sad choice. One weekend, after our house had sold, I’d just come back from house hunting in Wichita, was pregnant, and managed to come down with the flu, and our neighbors were having a garage sale. While I was sick in bed, Royal decided that he didn’t want to move our bikes here, so he sold them in our neighbors garage sale. Our bikes and our helmets (what were we never going to ride bikes again???) I didn’t have any idea until the transaction had already gone through and Royal was coming to tell me he was going to drive them over to their new owners house. (What???????) I was so mad, I couldn’t believe it. Royal didn’t quite get it, he figured we hadn’t rode them in awhile, so we obviously didn’t need them anymore. I think I was upset at him for like 3 days before he asked how long I was going to be mad at him. I told him I was going to be mad for probably a week and then I would forgive him, but that he had made a very expensive mistake and even though I didn’t bring it up anymore, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t want a new bike. :) He said, ‘I’ll get you a new bike, I’ll get one for like 30 bucks at a garage sale.’ I don’t this so, bucko. And really, I’ve been pretty good about not bringing up the fact over and over when I would of really liked to have had my old bike. There have been times when I’ve slipped and said something, but I have really tried to keep my mouth shut - very hard if you know me. :)

Royal is not one who just buys me things all the time. He is very practical and doesn’t look for things that I might like and then just get them because he knows I’ll like it. However, on the flip side, when my birthday or Christmas comes around I pretty much get what I ask for. He usually doesn’t try and get creative (he has surprised me in the past though), he just wants a list of what I want and then he goes out and finds it. So, 2 weeks ago when he said to me, ‘On Saturday we’re going and buying your bike’, I about fell off my chair - it’s not Christmas OR my birthday. Royal said I had to get one on Saturday or the deal was up and who knows when he might offer it up again. I don’t know why he has these rules, but I’m not one to buck the system! So, last Saturday, we went to a bike store, I told the guy what kind of bike I wanted and what I wanted to be able to do with it and then I test rode this bike and I don’t think I’ve ever gone so fast on a bike without trying. It was so great! So, that’s the bike Royal bought me, a Specialized Dolce. I spent a couple hours at the bike store yesterday having the bike fitted to me and now I’m good to go. I am so excited! Watch out Jessie, I’m coming back to Washington (some day) and I’ll be chasing you down (or just riding with you) in the STP!